that’s what people do. get upset. i know what my friends actually think about me, and what they say, but I just deal with it… it gets bothering though, to the point where it just rides up my skin… my friends are so much better at the things I could do…. they can play yugioh better, they can play video games better, and after a while, I sort of feel like what’s the point if I can’t get as good as these guys?
then I remember the one thing I have over all of them that will always make me better than them. I have jessie. no matter how much of a loser I show myself to be, or how many times I lose a game, jessie has been, and will always be there.. they can all play cards better than me, and have a higher ranking, but they can never have her… and she keeps my sane. as long as I remember that, and I have her… I can live with what ever they say, think, or do.
I love you jessie. you make sure I keep the sanity I have left, because any less wouldn’t be good enough for you.
But sometimes you can just be so… dense.
I don’t think sometimes you understand the flow of the conversation, or how certain situations make me feel… and I don’t say anything because I trust you, and I know you, but sometimes it’s just… bleh… even when I bring it up or make a point, I just feel stupid sometimes because you make me feel so dumb for thinking or acting a certain way, and it just really sucks..
I’ll support you in everything you say, everything you do, but sometimes jessie… there’s just things you don’t see… things you don’t notice.. and it hurts a lot.
Sometimes you just drift apart.
other times, there’s some sort of issue or fight.
weather its good or bad terms it all ends up the same way: you’ve lost someone important.
I had friends… I mean I still do, but the people I once called “my best friends” are now strangers to me. they disrespected not only me, but someone very important to me, and weather you are mad at me or not, it doesn’t give anyone the right to blame anyone else or bring them into a problem between me and them. you could say all the crap you want behind my back, you could say all the horrible things i do, the shitty kind of person I am, but you do not ever, bring people that are close to me into our problems.
because that what is is, our problem. no one else’s. it’s not theirs, it’s not your friends, it’s ours.
maybe I over reacted. maybe I said things I shouldn’t of. maybe, I had no right to do any of it… but it doesn’t matter now, because even though I have Jessie and my family.. I still feel kind of alone.
I don’t have the friends I spend entire weekends with. I don’t have the friends to get excited with to go to events. i don’t have the friends that supported me in the projects we all did. I don’t have the friends I thought I could trust with almost anything. I don’t have those friends anymore.
and it really, really sucks.
I really don’t like it, but at the same time, i really can’t help it.
there’s always been this thing with me and puzzles and games… knowing there’s something in the way to reach this made up thing that I want. to win. Honestly, in my opinion, it’s a really bad desire, a really bad way to look at things, but in my mind, it’s the simplest way to do things.
In a game, there is a winner, or there is a loser. if you play by yourself, the game itself has won. if you play someone else, well there is always a winner and a loser. In every case, it comes down to luck, or to skill… and those are the games I like to play, skill based things.
but it’s sort of the problem I have… I have the desire to prove something, and it’s not to anyone in particular, or to impress someone, it’s for me… oddly… people play games and challenge other people to prove they can do something to other people, to say they are good at something to the world, but I don’t see myself trying to impress anyone… just myself.
I play these games, not for other people, but for me, to show myself I can be good something, and i know I am. I might not be the greatest at yugioh, but I do feel I am pretty good at it. I might not be the best at league, but i feel if I kept playing, I could get really good at it… and it’s not cockyness, I know where my limits are, i know how much to say, where my place is, and know what i’m capable of, but I just see myself doing so much more with these kind of things… that’s how confident i am in myself, because i know i can get better, i just have to strive and earn it.
But it will probably also be my downfall.. I love challenges, especially with other people, and being called out to one is something that gets me. i don’t know what it is, but I don’t like my abilities being put into question. i guess it’s sort of a guy thing, because i know what i’m good at, I know where I stand and who I am, and i feel, that if you challenge any part of that, you don’t honor it, and I kind of feel offended.
It’s a weird way of thinking… a very destructive one, but so far it hasn’t been bad. I’m not a player to talk shit a lot, or judge other players, i stay under the radar until I’m called out.
- 6 months ago
- 6 months ago